Reality Check

Things have gone off the rails

Alright. Let’s get real. This sh*t is HARD.

But I can do it. We can do it. We will do it. We ARE doing it. Even if doesn’t feel that way, the swirling thoughts that follow us around when we aren’t at our keyboards is doing the work.

My first book was an effort of love, healing, learning, and hubris. When I started writing I had this thought that I would absolutely become a bestseller right away. I would finish the novel in a few months, then get an agent, and by next year I’d be one of those Cinderella stories that came out of nowhere.

HA! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh sweet girl. How naïve you were.

It ended up taking me almost two years to write. And even then—if I’m truly honest with myself—it wasn’t ready for querying. Although I did all the right things—learned how to pitch, wrote a decent query letter, responded quickly to those 7 full requests—it went nowhere.

The answer in my gut was that I either needed to rework the book again or start something new. Because that first novel was seeped in real feelings from real life events that happened to my family, I was able to heal through trauma. Forgive myself for things that happened and things I didn’t say. After writing that book, I finally felt like I was okay again.

But I do not want to revisit that story. I’m ready to move on, so I decided to try something new—my current WIP.

Okay, this time I have knowledge that I didn’t last time. I plotted some beats, did a lot of worldbuilding, and found my characters. I was ready to go.

Until I started to write.

Not because I don’t have it in me to tell a story (although part of me wonders if my rampant ADD is trying to change it’s hyperfixation which I do not appreciate). Not because I didn’t know how. But I started trudging through cement instead of the story flowing from my finger tips and watching the tape play in mind.

Immediately I went into analyst mode. What’s going on? Why does this feel so hard?

I got a book coach. Super helpful feedback and a guide to help me navigate through the story so I have something coherent. I knew what I needed to do. I was ready to go.

Until I started to write.

Okay…well maybe there’s something else. I reached out to a creator I trust and she suggested maybe I’m starting in the wrong spot or I don’t know my characters.  

Aha! Although I felt confident, I was starting in the right spot, I needed to know my characters better. Great, I can do that.

I did an exercise of casting my characters with actors and characters I’ve seen on screen. This helped tremendously because now I can look at the pictures I have plastered on my walls of the characters and remember how someone moves or what they would say.

It’s made a huge difference in my character’s voices and I felt like I understood them a better. I was ready to go.

Until I started to write.

Alright…well maybe this isn’t the story I’m supposed to write. Or maybe I’m too close—I care too much about telling these stories correctly because of the real-life stories I’ve used for inspiration. Maybe the story is too important.

But what I realized is this:

               The critical voice in my head is being a real dick.

That’s when it hit me.

The reason I’m agonizing over every word is because I expect it to be perfect. I expect a clean first draft. I did all that work plotting…it should be easier right? I’ve taken classes galore and know:

• Line editing brings the richness of the story to life

• Character voices need to be unique—especially with three POVs.

• Structure is important because the story always needs to be moving forward.

• There should be multiple twists and reveals—and you should plant the seeds so when a reader gets to the reveal they are surprised but it also makes sense. Those clues you planted are important.

• Consistency is important—if a character was just enjoying a huge celebration and then life-changing news breaks them…they better still be reacting to that later.

• Spelling and grammar matters—use em dashes and not hyphens because there is an actual difference.

• Weave in a sub-plot because that’s what’s going to help me get through the muddy middle.

• And on and on and on and on….

Whoa nellie. That is so much to remember while trying to craft the actual story on the page for the first time. Not just the beats—the innards.

Here’s where the reality check and reset some in.

After a heart to heart with myself, I decided to try a different, more gentle approach. Exactly what I would say to a friend who was struggling.

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO TRY.

When the thought came to me I was shooketh. I’m so worried about failing again (although all work is not a failure, I know blah blah blah) that I have been holding myself back. I’m so worried about getting every detail right the first time around that I’ve stopped moving and the cement around me has dried.

So I grabbed my writing journal and started a fresh page and went to work.

I give myself permission to write a shitty first draft.

I can apply all those lessons when I have something to work from. I’m not Stephen King. I will need many drafts. And that is OKAY.

I give myself permission to take as long as it takes.

The first year of writing I was desperate to bring my fantasy to life and pressured myself to write faster, do more, be better.

The second year of writing I knew I wanted to pitch agents face to face at Thrillerfest. So I needed to be done by then. But when I wasn’t, the pressure piled on. That critical voice had me so brainwashed that I had to go NOW NOW NOW.

But..it takes as long as it takes. The next time I dive into the trenches will be when I feel fully confident that I’ve done as much as I can. No need to rush.

     I give myself permission to take breaks as my brain needs.

Chill homie. I do not need to write 2000 words a day. Those days are rare and fun, but it’s not going to be every day.

I also am in the middle of starting a business, running a podcast, working on my physical health, working full time, and taking care of my mom. That’s a lot of brain and emotional power.

Sometimes, the brain needs a break to come back fresh or for something to stew for a while. Relax.

I do NOT give myself permission to give up.

I’m not allowed to run away because it’s hard or because I might not succeed (what the hell is success anyway?). It’s not like when I was in 6^th grade and tried to learn the flute but it was too hard so I quit—giving up is NOT an option.

I loved the highs I had while writing my first book. I loved the moments of joy from writing a particularly interesting scene or thinking of a crazy new twist.

I loved the way it felt to hold my printed book in my hands. I can’t wait until I don’t have to imagine what it’s like to hold an actual book full of words I wrote with a cover and everything.

The one thing I’ve had ingrained in me more than any other lesson from the authors I’ve interviewed, classes I’ve taken, speaking engagements I’ve attended….the main difference between a published author and a dreamer: NEVER GIVING UP.

Sometimes talking to ourselves like we would a friend, giving ourselves the grace we would give others—I would never tell another writer they needed to have a perfect first draft because that’s bananas—is all we need to bring ourselves back into awareness of reality.

Today I’m trying again. I’m setting a timer, closing my eyes, and free writing, no matter how many TKs I add. That’s what edits are for, not drafting.

Sound off in the comments—what reality checks have you had to give yourself along the way?